Posts filed under 'Nut Jobs'

Scientology – More or less crazy than other religions?

I have been working on this post for a few days, the unfortunate timing with the death of John Travolta’s son is purely coincidental; I don’t think the fact he’s a Scientologist had anything to do with it.

Recently, during a discussion amongst a few people, someone asked me how utterly bizarre the beliefs of Scientologists are, in comparison with more traditional faiths. My answer surprised them – I don’t believe that Scientologists are any more or less crazy than Christians, Muslims, Jews, Sikhs or any other supernatural belief systems. They countered that surely the whole Xenu / Body Thetan / Space opera basis of L Ron Hubbard’s religion is much more unbelievable than older, more widely held faiths? Not really.

Consider this: Scientology has evil overlords; spaceships shaped like DC-8 aircraft; and timelines many times older than the universe. That all sounds batshit crazy to most people, doesn’t it?

But then again, Judaism has: people surviving after being swallowed by a fish; bushes that talk, while on fire no less; and the sun standing still to Joshua could finish a battle. Not to mention the multitude of genocides, atrocities and general unpleasantness. That also sounds batshit crazy to me.

But wait: Christians not only have that, but also have raising several dead people back to life; casting demons into pigs (doesn’t sound kosher to me); not to mention the big one – dying after being nailed to some wood, then coming back to life. Yet more batshit craziness.

Still, Muslims are surely past all that old rubbish? Not quite: Mohammed goes for a joyride with the angel Gabriel; splitting the Moon in half (no-one else on the planet noticed, however); oh, and let’s not mention the whole having sex with a 9 year old girl episode, best sweep that under the rug or come up with some silly idea of kids maturing earlier in those days.

I could go on, but I hope you see my point. All religions, both ancient and modern, are batshit crazy – they have to be almost by definition. Naturally, if you happen to believe in one particular strain of nuttiness, then yours makes perfect sense, whilst the others are obviously suffering from a bat / belfry combination.

I just choose to think they’re all off their chump. Seems like a logical conclusion to me, and millions of others.

But Xenu made me say that.

January 3rd, 2009

Bye-bye Blasphemy Law

Finally, several hundred years late, the Law Lords have finally abolished the UK’s Blasphemy law, finally making it legal for me to say:

“Jesus regularly enjoyed being gang-buggered by leprous hermaphrodite sheep molesters”

However, it would probably be wrong of me to say:

“Mohammed liked fucking 9 year old girls, even after marrying them

So I won’t. Even though the second statement is true. Isn’t religion queer?

Expected response:



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March 8th, 2008

Those crazy Sudanese Muslims

So, after allowing the children in her class to name their teddy bear ‘Mohammed’, teacher Gillian Gibbons is to be jailed for 15 days for insulting religion. The school’s director, one Robert Boulos told the AP news agency this classic piece of arse-covering verbiage:

“It’s a very fair verdict, she could have had six months and lashes and a fine, and she only got 15 days and deportation.”

Oh, that’s alright then!

Naturally, the irony is that by sentencing a hard-working committed teacher over such a trivial matter, they have done far more to insult Islam, and once more cemented the idea that Muslims are, on the whole, well, really touchy.

However, now you too can own your very own Mo-Bear as listed on Ebay, so get bidding!

Just remember, this bear isn’t named after the Prophet Mohammed, the illiterate camel salesman with a penchant for pre-pubescent girls and killing men, women and children. No, not the Mohammed who heard voices from invisible pixies, murdered indiscriminately and some of whose followers also have a fondness for blowing shit up, usually themselves and anyone around them.

No, not that Mohammed.

That would be an insult to teddy bears!


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1 comment November 30th, 2007

Blow up Rushdie, he wrote a book, apparently!

Once again, some followers of the religion of peace are strapping on suicide socks and blowing off their feet.

Salman Rushdie, noted serious author and Booker Prize winner, has received a knighthood, so from now-one will be Sir Salman. Naturally, some people in Pakistan (where 50% of the population can’t read) don’t approve of this, because he once wrote a book they didn’t read like, The Satanic Verses.

Iran has said this award demonstrates ‘Islamaphobia’ among British officials. Odd, I think threatening to murder an author because of some supposed slight against an illiterate businessman with a fondness of 9 year old girls born in the 6th century is more likely to promote ‘Islamaphobia’ than any book will.

‘Awarding one of the most hated persons within the Islamic world indicates Britain’s hostility towards Islam and will put that country against Islamic societies,’ Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad-Ali Hosseini said.

Yes, deeply conciliatory words from that bastion of freedom, tolerance and women’s rights, Iran.

Pakistan’s Minister for Religious Affairs, Ijaz-ul-Haq said that the award will provoke Muslims to commit suicide bombings, telling parliament:

Britain should immediately tender an apology to all Muslim states failing which the Muslim world should cease diplomatic ties with Britain

He continued:

[Britain’s decision] will encourage people to commit blasphemy against the Prophet Mohammed

And more:

The West is accusing Muslims of extremism and terrorism. If someone exploded a bomb on his body he would be right to do so unless the British government apologises and withdraws the ‘sir’ title,” ul-Haq said.

Yes, that will show the non-Muslim world that their particular brand of sky-pixie worship should be tolerated. Nothing like threatening authors with bombs to make the world a more tolerant place.

Here’s a clue, if Muslims don’t want to be treated as pariahs then perhaps they should shut up the more vocal members of their sky-pixie club when they insist on spouting contemptible rubbish.

But please don’t murder me, Allahu Akbar!

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June 18th, 2007

6-year old traumatised by Barney’s penis

I really want to think that this is a joke, but I’m resigned to the fact that it isn’t. Some guy took his family for food and when they left saw a sign that some scamp had changed to read “Barney’s penis”.

As the guy himself said:

“Since then, she has not stopped mentioning Barney’s p***s. This has shaken the bedrock of our family. I made an emergency call to our church’s pastor about this bombshell in my daughter’s life and he is unsure how it will affect her future.”

Please note, the daughter isn’t traumatised in any way – her father, however, is a complete moron.

August 28th, 2006

More End Times Wackiness

Over the years I’ve known a few fundamentalist Christians, those who take the vast majority of the bible as being literally true. I’ve debated them a few times and they always have one trump card – they know they’re right, always. There is no point of logic that you can make them concede that will change their view. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, since they have ‘faith’, that logic-sapping state of mind that lets them believe 10 impossible things before breakfast. You can argue around the edges all you like, show them discrepancies in the bible, even outright contradictions, but they ‘know’ it’s the divine words of their god so logic plays no part of the equation. The bible is right, therefore anyone who shows them that it’s not is obviously wrong. Simple. Cut and dried.

It’s that kind of thinking that makes people blow themselves up in crowded bars.

However, I digress. Via Harpers, ultimately from the Rapture Ready Bulletin Board, quotes from various fundies who believe that the current conflict in the Middle East are the final, definitive, not-to-be-mistaken signs of the end times.

A few choice quotes:

A question just popped in my head. Do you think children of around say 7 or 8 (but before the age of accountability) that have been indoctrinated up until that time by their parents religious beliefs will be raptured? . . . For example, would a 7 year old muslim be raptured? I know G-d will do right but I was just wondering everyone's thoughts. I hate to think of kids being left here.

I too am soooo excited!! I get goose bumps, literally, when I watch what's going on in the M.E.!! And Watcherboy, you were so right when saying it was quite a day yesterday, in the world news, and I add in local news here in the Boston area!! Tunnel ceiling collapsed on a car and killed a woman of faith, and we had the most terrifying storms I have ever seen here!! But, yes, oh happy day, like in your screen name , it is most indeed a time to be happy and excited, right there with ya!!

I am excited beyond words that the struggle of this life may be over soon and I can finally be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Revelling in death and suffering, presumably in a means to an end, the end being the physical transportation of a select few thousand into heaven, aka the Rapture, followed by decades of suffering on earth for the rest of us sinners before the final battle between god and satan.

Yes, it does sound like a bad Steven King novel, it doesn’t stop millions of fundies believing it.

Naturally, there is little in the way of verifiable facts involved here – after all, everything from the Catholic church, the European Union, Stalin and Arthur Scargill have been candidates for the anti-christ, so they’re following a long tradition of making shit up to fit their desire to get up into heaven with all the other pixies.

Ok, Arthur Scargill isn’t really on their list of anti-christs, I made that one up in the 1980’s when I heard one fundy explain how the beast would come from a city on seven hills. He assumed it was Rome, but I knew that Sheffield is also built on seven hills, and at the time that was where the NUM were based, so my logic was just as inescapable as his.

The one major difference between then and now is that we currently have an American president who actually believes all this rot (Ronald Reagan also did, but his antichrist was the USSR, and that, somewhat inconveniently for the rapture groupies, disappeared). The USA’s (and, naturally, lap dog Blair’s) failure to demand that Israel stop blowing up unrelated bits of the Lebanon to stop Hezbollah launching rockets only gives the fundies more joy. It’s akin to Spain blowing up bits of the Basque region to stop ETA, or the UK blowing up bits of Ireland to stop the IRA, or indeed the UK blowing up bits of Palestine to stop the pro-Israeli terrorists trying to form the state of Israel in the 1940’s (oh how people forget that Israel was formed by, what can only be described as, terrorists).

Of course, no rapture will occur, it’s a silly fiction beloved by simple-minded biblical literalists who want to smirk at the rest of us when they go up to heaven and we’re left in a living hell. It’s a kind of holier-than-thou attitude based upon enjoying the suffering of others. It’s inevitable really, when their religion revolves around holding sacred the image of a gallows, going so far as to decorate their houses with it, or wearing it as an item of jewellery.

Thank god I’m an atheist…

[edited for some typos]

July 27th, 2006

Did I miss the end of the world again?

You have to love apocolypsatists (not a real word, I'm sure, but it should be) who make heartfelt predictions of doom, and when they (always) fail to appear start back-peddling frantically. Take Eric Julien, a former French air traffic controller, who, between strikes, says he tracked on radar a UFO travelling at 15,000 knots.

Eric claims that he has had numerous prophetic dreams showing that a comet will impact the Atlantic Ocean on the 25th of May, causing a massive Tsunami which will wipe out the populations in the coastal areas of many countries. Because of these dreams (and his seemingly near constant communication with extraterrestrials) he is trying to wake up the world to this coming catastrophe before it is all too late.

NASA, naturally, know all about this, and are doing their best to cover it up. He invokes ‘predicions’ from Nostradamus, Mother Shipton (notwithstanding that most of her predictions were written decades after she died), Bible Codes, and, most hauntingly of all, the release of the film Poseidon as precursors of the oncoming tragedy.

As I write this, on the 29th of May, with only two days left in May, I’m not going to lose any sleep over this. But then, I live on the East coast of England, so I’m safe!

Be afraid, be very afraid (of your sanity) –

May 29th, 2006


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